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Lily Hanson is an LA-based writer slinging magic at goodr. Lily is aware that these links haven't been updated in SEVERAL months and she will get to it as soon as she watches every 80s horror movie, listens to every 90s hip-hop album, and reads every fantasy/thriller novel.
This is the story of my gender identity journey and what I've learned over the last three years.
Dear goodr, HOW DARE YOU?! I purchased your “Fade-er-ade'' energy drink, only to find out it wasn’t an energy drink at all. It was an energy BAR, in the shape of sunglasses! Talk about false advertising. But hey, I’m open-minded, so I took a bite. Ouchie-wouchie...
"Hi everyone. My name is Teddy the Turkey, and I'm a tabaholic. "It started off slow. I kept tabs open for Gmail, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Twitch and Reddit. I thought I could stop at seven. Seven tabs is totally normal. A lot of birds have seven tabs open every day.
Once upon a time, there was a brah who loved surfing. But he grew up in a sh*tty flyover state, so he never got a chance to do it. He watched surfing movies. He played surfing video games. He even bought a surfboard, took it out to the lake, and imagined riding heavy waves...
PICK YOUR FAVORITE SHADE OF BLACK AND WE’LL TELL YOUR FUTURE 1. Charcoal. You’re expecting an important letter. It will arrive tomorrow, bearing good news: You get a full scholarship to Chucklebutt McTatters Clown College. 2. Ebony...
What up, humans? It’s your favorite, half-man, half-possum, Crazy Eddy. THE SURGERY WAS IRREVERSIBLE!!!! I bet you thought I was gone forever after goodr’s Overstock Oversale. Well, you’re wrong, just like my wife was wrong when she said, “You’re not really going to turn into a possum and change your name...
Greetings! This is Gwyneth Carltrow. Since you rented Ironman 3 last Saturday at 9:33pm, we assume you’re interested in my lifestyle and wellness brand, Glop. At Glop.oof, you can buy all the basic necessities, like vagina-scented candles, vampire repellent, coffee enemas, toothpaste squeezers, camel milk, yoni eggs, 18K gold dumbbells, AND Louboutin Shoes For Kids. (It’s never too early to teach your kid how to be an asshole!)
HOW CARL THE FLAMINGO TORTURES GOODR EMPLOYEES ON VALENTINE’S DAY Carl the Flamingo loves many things: Himself. Money. Shrimp. Piña coladas. Himself again. Parties. Jet Skis. Stealing. Himself once more. And, of course, Valentine’s Day. For five years in a row, Carl celebrated Valentine’s Day by torturing goodr employees...
Chicago and New York City have a long rivalry. There's only one way to settle it: A rap battle! Enjoy this origin story about our NYC and CHI marathon sunglasses.
In a narrow 4-3 decision, the Seven Princes of Hell voted for a worldwide blackout to be the next catastrophe to strike mankind during the year 2020. Currently the human race is suffering from a global pandemic, systemic racism, economic inequality, wildfires, floods, tornadoes, murder hornets, JK Rowling’s tweets, and Kanye West’s presidential campaign.
PICK YOUR SPIRITUAL JOURNEY: THE FULL FLAMINGO MOON You wake up and rejoice that your annoying New Age roommate, Mindfulljess, left for Burning Man. Two weeks of freedom! No more drumming, no more crystals, and no more nasty stank. (Essential oils are NOT deodorant, girl...
SCIENTISTS USE ONLY CHANCE AT TIME TRAVEL TO GO BACK FOUR DAYS TO TACO TUESDAY This week aliens from an unknown planet dropped off a single-use time machine in front of NASA Headquarters in Washington D.C. According to their handwritten note, they did so primarily for “s*its and giggles"...
LILY'S PITCH "I've got an idea for an origin story where a gal buys a computer, and the keyboard has a 'citron' key instead of a 'control' key. She figures it's a typo, but decides to test it, so she hits Citron+Alt+Delete.
Are you a human or a robot? Take our quiz! 1. You’re walking through a meadow and see a sheep stuck on its back. You are not helping it. Why? A. I’m recording a video of it for The Gram. B. I’m setting my laser eyes to turn it into mutton curry. C. I’m drunk and using it as a pillow.
Once upon a time, there was a flamingo CEO named Carl, who loved friends, family and his employees--hahahahahahaha. Sorry. Couldn't type that with a straight hand. Carl loved getting f***ed up on piña coladas and everything else was just kinda whatever. Carl even drank while flying, which is a gray area for birds.
Howdy, Americans! This is Canadian Prime Minister and hottest-snack-since-poutine Justin Trudeau. Sorry if I misrepresented myself there with "howdy." I know, I'm such a keener! Guilty! Just wanted to start things oot on the right boot. Canada's a gosh-darn great state -- I mean country.
An Honest Plea To Smart, Attractive Consumers: Hey, you there! Yes, you! I can tell by your savvy intelligence AND your striking beauty that you know the value of a good deal! When a good deal saunters by, you don’t stick your head in the sand like an ostrich! You stick your tongue down its throat like a flamingo!
Dear Hiring Manager, As an impatient gamer who rushes into battles without any real plan, and a stubborn perfectionist who intentionally dies after making the slightest mistake, I am uniquely qualified for the position of Professional Respawner.
A VERY SKYMALL CHRISTMAS Jayden and Kayla woke up Christmas morning And ran to their gifts with elation That faded when they read a jaded note warning: “Please lower your damn expectations. “My elves went on strike, and they make the toys, I was so mad I punched my wall. But then I found a magazine and rejoiced -- Here’s some crap from Skymall.”
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, SHUT UP!!! PRIDE PARADE ROLL CALL!!!!! “Angel-winged twinks?” “HERE!” “Drag queens serving body-ody-ody?” “HERE!” “Leather daddies serving body-ody-ody?” “HERE!”...
On July 2, 1937, aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart mysteriously vanished during an attempt to circumnavigate the world. Decades later, her disappearance still confounds historians, and infuriates Elmer Wincel, a man who asked her out once and got rejected. “That bitch still doesn’t call me back,” says Wincel, 107. “Nice guys never win.”
10 CLEVER THINGS TO YELL WHEN YOU THROW YOUR ENEMY TO THEIR DEATH We’ve all been in that awkward situation where you get in a fist fight with your enemy and throw them off a precipice to their death. As they plummet in the abyss, they bellow a guttural scream and you open your mouth to shout something witty...
CHEF: Oh, you are so beautiful! With your mozzarella, pepperoni and caramelized onions! PIZZA: Shove me in the oven. CHEF: Oh, how can I kill you, pizza? I just made you! You haven’t experienced the world! PIZZA: No worries. I’m good.
CELESTE MOONBEAM PRESENTS “COSMIC CRYSTALS”: SUNGLASSES THAT HEAL YOUR SOUL Grand rising! It is I, Celeste Moonbeam, spiritual healer and world-famous clairvoyant. (I could win the lottery. I just choose not to.) I’m manifesting on the goodrTIMES to tell you...
Can you speak Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka? Here's 10 basic Pac-Manian phrases you must know.
We all have one Idiotic Cousin who's constantly in trouble for doing idiotic things. Well, goodr CEO Carl the Flamingo has one too: Teddy the Turkey. Their relationship began like all great relationships: at one of Beyoncé's parties...
What up, what up, what up! Carl the Flamingo here. Sunglasses mogul. Proud drunk. Hopeless kleptomaniac. And begrudging father of five. No, four. No, five. Definitely five.
GLORIOUS GOODR GOSSIP, VOL. 1 by Brandy the Bee Hummingbird OMG did you see Candice’s boyfriend??? He’s got like, big leprechaun energy. Candice works in the D.C. Yeah, goodr employees aren’t allowed to gossip...
Dear mates, ˙uo ploɥ 'sdooɥʍ -- puɐ 'plɹoʍ ǝɥʇ uᴉ ʎʇᴉɔ ǝʇᴉɹoʌɐɟ ʎɯ 'uopuo˥ ɯoɹɟ noʎ oʇ ƃuᴉʇᴉɹʍ ɯ’I Is this better? Sweet. I was standing on the other side of the road. Everything is bass ackwards in England!
On December 17, 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright flew the first controlled flight of an aircraft in Kitty Hawk, NC. However, their behavior during the flight was anything but controlled, according to a newly released recording. Here’s the full transcript.
How To Fix The Blue Screen Of Death On Running Sunglasses: While wearing Blue Shades of Death, the dreaded “blue screen of death” may pop up.
A HIPSTER’S ANGRY RANT AFTER SOMEONE CALLED HIS GLASSES “BLACK” INSTEAD OF “OBSIDIAN” “‘I like your BLACK sunglasses?!?! Really? BLACK sunglasses? You think I’d be caught dead in BLACK sunglasses?...
Everybody loves reboots, so we’re hopping on the bandwagon. Sure, we COULD just keep cranking out totally original sunglasses, but what’s the point? Most people don’t want to take a risk and try something new. They want to consume something they already know they like. Because they’re lazy af.
Dear skeezahs, Making fun of the Boston accent is NOT wicked pissah. If you’re planning on it, bang a uey. Yah not welcome in The Hub, and don’t you da-ah call it Beantown, chowdahhead! Oah yah not comin’ to my rippahs!
4 REASONS THE METRIC SYSTEM IS TRASH -- 1. All those 1s and 0s are super confusing. The imperial system is specific: 12 inches in 1 foot, 3 feet in one yard, 5,280 feet in 1 mile. You never get those numbers mixed up.
CARL THE FLAMINGO’S MESSAGE FROM LOS ANGELES Dear F.O.O.L.S. (Fans Of Offbeat Lovely Sunglasses), Hey guys. I mean, hey, y’all. I watched a YouTube video that said we should stop saying “guys” all the time...
A new line of shades perfect for boozy beach vacations you barely remember. (Don't panic, just take lots of photos and videos so you can retrace your steps afterward, The Hangover-style.)
ANSWERS TO 3 BATSH*T CRAZY QUESTIONS ABOUT NAEON-FLUX CAPACITOR SUNGLASSES This week we were super excited to release our new, futuristic line of VRG sunglasses. That is, until we checked our email, and saw some weirdos had batsh*t crazy questions about the Naeon Flux Capacitor style. Here’s what we wrote back.
How Arguing Over Whether Or Not Die Hard Is A Xmas Movie Destroyed A Family: A One-Act Play ACT 1 SCENE -- Living room in a suburban household on Christmas Eve. CHAUNCEY and ABIGAIL shake presents under the Christmas tree. BERNARD and MURIEL sip cocktails.
Due to the coronavirus pandemic, several 2020 events are postponed, including the Tokyo Olympics, Coachella Music Festival, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Birthday Party (we assume we were invited), and several pride parades. But despite the parades’ postponement, June remains pride month, commemorating the anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. We suggest -- nay, demand - that you celebrate the LGBTQ community by throwing a pride parade at home this year. Here are five things you need!
Speak to any golfer and they'll tell you the same thing: We need more amateurs out on the courses who don't know what they're doing. People who don't understand the rules, who won't stop looking for lost balls, who drive golf carts like Fast & Furious characters -- such earthy clientele will add much-needed pizzazz to this dusty 15th century game.
Just a passage from the erotic romance novel 50 Shades of Gravy: “I scowl with frustration at my reflection in the butter. The butter is in the skillet, melting like the glaciers in Antarctica. Climate change is real. And so is my pain.
CARL THE FLAMINGO'S MESSAGE FROM TOKYO: Dear suckers - I mean, attractive smart consumers, How’s it going??? Don’t answer. I don’t care. I’m just asking you so you’ll ask me. And I am doing FANTASTIC. I’m writing to you now from Tokyo...
Staff members at the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History made a startling discovery this week while renovating former First Lady Abigail Adams’ personal artifacts. Deep inside a pocket of her 19th century petticoat, curators found a decaying parchment bearing lyrics to a verse savagely dissing British monarch King George III.
Tired of city life, Alvin Gammell took his family on vacation in the rural community Ecip Snikpmup. However, creepy townspeople repeatedly accosted them, insisting they eat mysterious pumpkin-spiced food. The eldritch cuisine includes pumpkin-spiced coffee, pumpkin-spiced beer, pumpkin-spiced spam, pumpkin-spiced hummus and pumpkin-spiced ice cream.
A Gamer's Angry Rant After Someone In The Chat Said "It's Just A Game." GamingGrouse43: “It’s JUST a game?! Really? Really? It’s JUST a game?! Would you say that to LeBron James after losing the NBA Finals? Would you say that to Tom Brady after losing the Super Bowl?
The “Hot Lips” line includes four stylish sunnies inspired by the legendary rock band: Tonguing You Since ‘62, Cold English Blood Runs Hot, Union Jack Flash, and What Would Keith Do? (Whenever you reach a crossroads, seek guidance from Keith Richards.)
Pibber, a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon from Milwaukee, WI, was crowned Miss Americana Thursday night at the Mohegan Sun casino in Uncasville, Connecticut. This marks the first time a beverage won the competition in the event’s 99-year history. The lager is also the oldest winner, at 176 years old, since Pabst Brew Ribbon was established in 1844.
Entomologists say the Asian giant hornet, Vespa mandarinia, first spotted in the United States in December 2019, has shifted tactics from slaughtering honeybee populations to spitefully attacking humans. “It’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen,” said Washington beekeeper Carrie Pickett. “We’re doomed. We’re all doomed.”
Pick your favorite shade of blue and we'll tell you your fortune. Then buy these blue floral cateye sunglasses, guaranteed to make said fortune will come true.
We wanted the image in this origin story to be drawn by Gerhard Richter, the 88-year-old German artist, commonly known as the world’s greatest living painter. However, due to human error, we instead contacted Gerald Richter, an 8-year-old student at Bagley Elementary School in Bagley, Minnesota...
If you play side-scrolling video games, then you are at high risk for contracting Side Scroll Eye Roll Disease. Here are 10 common symptoms:
On Saturday, the Dark Lord Satan absolutely slayed during the Infinite Torture runway show at Hell Fashion Week. The Devil wore a skull gown designed by Beelzebub the Prince of Gluttony, an intestine-brain purse designed by...
The results are in! Cats don’t just love sun-bathing and getting their butts scratched! They also love Vegan Friendly Couture sunglasses! But don’t take it from us. Take it from these cats -- big and small - who yowled rave reviews!
While renovating Leonardo Da Vinci’s 15th century palace Château du Clos Lucé, officials discovered a secret “man cave” in the basement. Amidst the lyres, wine bottles and “Flamin’ Hot” apple fritters, they found a journal. The pages contain sketches of video game systems, notes for “energizing drinks” and a painting: “Portrait of a Rage Quitter.”
AN OPEN LETTER TO ELON MUSK TO MAKE AN ARCADE GAME-INSPIRED CAR Dear Elon Musk, We know you’re busy recording terrible EDM songs and getting high with Joe Rogan, but we were wondering if you could take a teensy bit of time out of your schedule to work on a special project for us: An arcade game inspired car. (Or “carcade,” if you will.)
Once upon a time, there was a dragon named Sigríður, who followed a strict daily routine like her idol, Hollywood actor Mark Wahlberg. In September 2018, the celeb’s astonishing itinerary went viral, making everyone feel lazy af and want to get their sh*t together. With a few dragony adjustments, Sigríður made the program work for her:
goodr CEO Carl the Flamingo released "Gingham Style," a music video parody of PSY's 2012 mega-hit "Gangnam Style" along with these gingham cateye sunglasses.
After graduating from Rancho Cucamonga High School on June 12, 2015, best friends Jacob Vandestreek and Austin LaRocco planned a crazy adventure: Take “Captain Blunt’s Red-Eye” from San Francisco, CA, to Sydney, Australia. However, the 18-year-olds were astonished to discover the plane flight had nothing whatsoever to do with marijuana.