Matt Kennedy
Writer
United States of America
A writer with a knack for the weird and two open arms waiting to embrace stupidity.
United States of America
A writer with a knack for the weird and two open arms waiting to embrace stupidity.
"Hey Bradley Cooper! America Doesn't Need Another Movie About Astrology!" is published by Matt Kennedy
"26 Year Old Girl With No Kids Or Responsibilities Is 'Completely Exhausted'" is published by Matt Kennedy
"Elon Musk And Tesla Reveal Groundbreaking Line Of Pants That Also Zip Off Into Shorts!" is published by Matt Kennedy
"Ex-UFC Fighter Conor McGregor Joins Mumford And Sons" is published by Matt Kennedy
"Whole Foods Now Offering Free Hot Bar And Salad Bar Meals To Anyone Who 'Doesn't Want To Pay'" is published by Matt Kennedy
I'm Trying To Get My Barbecue Spice Rub Business Off The Ground, But Being The CEO Of Facebook Is Getting In The Way My entire life is spent in meetings. However in my mind I am concocting a combination, officiating a beautiful marriage of brown sugar, cayenne, onion powder and granulated garlic.
"5 Reasons Why Everyone At The Bar You Go To Every Day Is An Alcoholic Except For You" is published by Matt Kennedy
"Anthony Bourdain Hologram Set To Headline Coachella 2019" is published by Matt Kennedy
Coach Johnson has Damien slotted to take the hill today, and his extremely careless decision is truly a slap in the face to the other talented pitchers on the squad. Does Coach Johnson not even realize the kind of pressure that is on these kids to win the Instructional League Under-10 Championship?
Some are born with perfect limbs, others work hard on their physique. Mark my fucking words when I tell you that Carrie Underwood is both. Her new leg workout has given me the determination and confidence that I need to not only sculpt perfect legs like hers but to also emotionally revisit and conquer the memories of my father's unfortunate death.
Holy fucking shit. I'm feeling really good right now. Is this how a newborn baby feels? Like, I'm super focused but I also know that my mind and brain are operating at such a level where I am going to be be able to make serious breakthroughs in human achievement.
Dear Mom and Dad, I write this letter to you from the back office of a Whole Foods, where I am being accused of shoplifting once again. Dad, I can already imagine you reading this and saying, "Yeah. I see nothing wrong with that. What's the problem here?"
Songs will include Sessions classics such as, "My Wife Sticks Black Dildos In My Ass" and "All The Ladies Call Me Hitler". Release date is scheduled for September 11, 2018.
Who am I anymore? Due to worsening conditions I'm afraid, like many of the failed Samurai who served before me, that is my only option. My story must be told, both as an obituary and as a warning to any brave soul willing to cross paths with a steaming and uncompromising devil.
Sure sex is great, but so are Sour Patch Kids and that movie Simon Birch. You're getting older and familiar places can become a little too familiar. I'm not saying that you should "try" to fall asleep during sex, but you also shouldn't "not try" to fall asleep according to an article in The Atlantic entitled " How Sleep Deprivation Decays the Mind and Body."
Dane Cook! A decade of fame, black v-neck t-shirts and countless comedy specials. After a night of unforeseen circumstances he's sitting in your living room puckered up and ready to make out with a regular ole' Joey Baloney like you!
Yes, your uncle is dead. Yes, you will have to go to the wake and funeral. Yes, Seattle is an amazing city that is waiting for you to explore it. Yes, your life is hectic and you deserve a break. Yes, you will refer to this trip to Seattle as a "vacation."
As I sit inside this charming cafe listening to the sound of Jack Johnson's "Banana Pancakes" I'm reminded of words my old baseball coach used to tell me. "Kennedy get your fucking pansy ass up from that patch of dandelions. I didn't leave work two hours early for this.